I think we can all agree this title is a fallacy…Mastering the Motherload? Can we ever really master something that changes day to day?

There’s no perfect definition of “motherload” - the characterization I often come across is in relation to mining. It’s about finding “a very large amount of something valuable”, but I see it as the weight of being the primary or default caregiver.

We’re the ones up all night scrolling through articles on baby development to make sure we’re doing a good enough job. We’re the ones googling “how to sneak veggies into meals so that your kids will eat them”. We’re the ones reverse engineering nap time so that we can make sure that dinner doesn’t happen at 9pm. You get my point.

There’s no perfect way to do all of this. All we can do is master the moment.

And I say “all we can do” knowing that this is no small feat. We’re not going to get every moment right, we will probably unconsciously instill some sort of trauma in our children, and “all we can do” is exactly what you’re doing now – trying your best to be the best parent to your little(s).

So, as you continue to bear the weight of the motherload, here are five tips to keep in mind when the heaviness tries to take over:

1. Utilize Your Village!

It’s true that our villages don’t look the same as they used to. Many of us don’t even live near our families, let alone in the same household. However, I can guarantee that there are people around you who want you to succeed as a parent – they want to offer help, but often don’t know how. And I know it’s difficult for us to ask for help, particularly when mainstream media calls moms “superheroes” on a regular basis, and we feel responsible for keeping up the stigma. So, let your superpower be asking for help. Even if it feels like you’re burdening them (you’re not), even if you think they’re only doing it because they’re obligated to (they’re not). Remember that the origin of “obligation” is “obligare” or binding, often by acts of kindness. Again, they want to help you, they just don’t know how. And you don’t have to know how they can help you either, but just by opening the door of allowing their help you also open the door for connection, and that’s something we all desire.

2. Just Because Something is Common, Doesn’t Mean it’s Normal

Something I was told when I was experiencing postpartum anxiety is that it’s “normal”, everyone goes through it, and it will pass. But I want to make sure, scratch that, I’m on a mission to ensure that as a society we don’t normalize overwhelm and anxiety, especially as new parents. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Bottom line. There’s no shame in acknowledging that you’re struggling, even if it is common. It doesn’t mean you have to endure it alone. Lean on that village!

3. Responsibility Does Not Mean Guilt, Let That Garbage Go

Mom guilt…I feel like I could write a whole book on mom guilt (but many have already – go check out “You Are a F*cking Awesome Mom” by Leslie Ann Bruce if you want a good read about this topic!). My mindset coach regularly reminds me that taking responsibility doesn’t have to equal guilt. I come up against this often – when I’m in a crappy mood, and my daughter seems to be extra emotional (which she’s really not, I’m just extra sensitive), so I snap at her and feel terrible. We can take responsibility for how our energy affects our child, without it meaning that we’re a bad mom. We can take responsibility for the choices we make without assigning blame or shame to them. Just own it, feel it, heal it, and move on to the next awesome moment.

4. Release Old Definitions

Something no one tells you before you become a mom is that the definitions of things change. Time no longer means the same thing it did before. Neither does “productivity” or “self-care”. Before baby I could indulge in a pedicure regularly and feel great about treating myself. After? I don’t even remember if I’ve had a shower this week, let alone looked that closely at my toes… Self-care just looks different now. These days it’s more about getting up 15 minutes before everyone else so that I can drink a hot coffee, emphasis on hot. Productivity no longer means I pull a 12-hour workday and cross a million things off my to-do list; instead, I can celebrate when I wash AND dry a load of laundry in the same day (it’s not folded though, let’s not get crazy). And that doesn’t mean these things don’t matter anymore, of course they do, it just means that we can celebrate the NEW definition of these words, rather than getting stressed and anxious about them looking a little different than they used to.

5. Take 6 (Deep Breaths)

When the moments get sticky, when the overwhelm is building up and you know it’s about to burst, pause. Even if you feel like you don’t have time to do so, just pause and take six deep breaths. Inhale all the way down the bottom of your belly, let your diaphragm expand as much as you can, and then release as if you’re exhaling through a straw. Good. Now do it five more times.

Our exhale is directly linked to our parasympathetic nervous system, or our rest, restore and digest response. When we catch ourselves getting caught up in fight or flight mode, we can engage in an active exhalation practice like this to shift the stress and give ourselves some breathing space to respond (rather than react).